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Embarrassing Confession Number 32

28 Sep

I stalked a pair of heels.

I have no shame. They were the only pair. They are beautiful.

You know that scene at the very beginning Raiders of the Lost Ark, where Indiana Jones sees the treasure in the distance sitting on a pedestal with the only light in the room shining down on it and he then has to maneuver his way around dangerous traps to get it?

That’s exactly what it was like.

I walk in the door and instantly see the shoes at the other end of the store. It’s like they are simultaneously glowing and calling out my name. I dart past the girl looking at jeans, hurdle the stroller taking up an entire aisle and shimmy past the people in line to try on clothes.

I finally make it to the aisle with the shoes that I’ve already planned an outfit around, and there is a girl standing in front of them. So what do I do? I circle the aisle like a lioness on her prey, make said girl as uncomfortable as possible, and when she scampers off, I swoop in and grab the coveted shoes.

I mean, seriously, they are beautiful.

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Embarrassing Confession Number 31

20 May

I’ve decided to become a runner.

Keep in mind, a) I’m totally out of shape and b) the only running experience I have is from junior high gym class. You know, the once a semester, this has got to be considered torture, get lapped twice by the fast kids run.

No… just me?

My “training” consists of a lot of walking. A lot. Followed by running for 60 seconds and then feeling like I’m going to die for the next 10 minutes.

So, obviously, it’s going well.

Embarrassing Confession Number 30

29 Apr

There’s a mouse in my apartment and I’m totally terrified of it.

In my mind, he’s a ferocious, furry, fanged monster that lurks behind the refrigerator plotting his eventual attack on me one day while I’m watching Jeopardy.

But in reality, he’s this teeny-tiny little thing that scurries across the floor when I reach into the pantry to get myself a poptart.

Equally as terrifying, I assure you.

You know that scene in Parent Trap where the twins convince the evil soon-to-be stepmother that knocking two sticks together will scare off mountain lions? Yeah, that’s me before I walk into the kitchen. Making as much noise as possible in hopes he will stay in his hiding place and we can both go about our business.

I feel like we’ve come to a mutual understanding.

An understanding that he will stay out of my way and I’ll provide him with a last meal of peanut butter before the door snaps shut on the trap under the kitchen sink.

Seems fair to me.

Embarrassing Confession Number 29

17 Apr

Most of the pictures on my phone are of my dog or food.

That explains a lot.

Embarrassing Confession Number 28

3 Jan

I took a grand total of one picture on New Year’s Eve. And that one photo was taken on my phone at midnight in the midst of about 10,000 people on the streets of Aggieville.

On a night when everyone was all dressed up and looking good, my camera never once left my bag.

It’s okay. I was too busy sipping champagne and dancing to really care.

Embarrassing Confession Number 27

10 Dec

I have watched all three seasons of Veronica Mars in like a week and a half and now I’m totally obsessed.

It’s a sickness. I start a show and can’t stop watching until I’ve made it all the way to the end. Curse you, TV shows on DVD. You are to blame for my lack of sleep.

P.S. Add Kristen Bell to the list of celebrities I want to be friends with.

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Embarrassing Confession Number 26

27 Apr

I’ve watched this video minimum 11 times.

I want to be friends with all of these guys. Choreography, Minnie Mouse shirts and Lady Gaga.

Yes, please.