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Letter to a Stranger 24th Edition

19 Sep

Dear Adorable New Coworker,

I want to apologize for my inadvertent flashing this afternoon. You see, wrap dresses and wind are mortal enemies, fighting each other to the bitter end. While they tell me you are in fact 20 years old, you look, maximum, 12 thus making me feel a little dirty.

Didn’t mean to scar you for life,

Faryle

Letter to a Stranger 23rd Edition

16 May

Dear Shady Econovan Driver,

I had this crazy idea to sign up for a 5K this summer which would be fine and dandy if I hadn’t signed up with a team of actual runners. So here I am, six weeks out, getting up at 5 a.m., struggling to make it through Week 1 of my 5K training program.

Related side note: I’ve been struggling through Week 1 for two and a half weeks now. Embarrassing, I know.

So this morning, when you passed me on the road in your giant, white, no back window Econovan not once, but twice, at snail’s pace, I was about 97% sure you had plans to kidnap me. And to be honest, I do look like a wounded gazelle when I run. Read: easy target.

But then again, it was 5:30 in the morning and I was rocking the bed head and no make-up look hard.

I understand why you decided against it,

Faryle

Letter to a Stranger 22nd Edition

13 Dec

Dear Morning Commuters,

I bow down to you and your obviously perfected skills. You see, I’m new to this driving more than five miles to work thing. It’s hard enough for me to back out of the garage at 6:30 in the morning let alone accomplish all the things you all do during your 45 minute drive.

This morning alone I saw one of you eating a bowl of oatmeal, another brushing your teeth and yet another writing a check.

All while hitting speeds in the upper 60s.

I don’t know whether to be afraid or applaud your efforts,

Faryle

Letter to a Stranger 21st Edition

16 Jun

Dear Grocery Store Patrons,

Yes, me going to the grocery store right after work yesterday was a terrible idea. Everyone and their mom was there. However, if we all follow some simple rules of Grocery Store Etiquette, we can all get in and out quickly without me feeling the urge to go Hulk-style angry.

First, sure you think your kids are cute. They may be in any other circumstance. But when they are running around the store screaming, they are not cute to anyone else. At all.

If you are at the meat counter, know what you want before you step up there. I’ve got things to do and standing there listening to your indecisiveness is not one of them.

And finally, what may be my biggest grocery store pet peeve. Pick a side of the aisle to park your cart. The middle is never an option. Well, unless you want me to road rage my cart into the back of your ankles.

This is why I usually shop late at night for my groceries,

Faryle

Letter to a Stranger 20th Edition

31 Mar

Dear You,

Yes, you, sir.

The one using your body to keep a soccer goal in the back of a moving truck.

Please don’t reproduce.

It’s probably for the best,

Faryle

Letter to a Stranger 19th Edition

18 Mar

Dear Phil Collins,

I like you. I really do.

The drum riff in In the Air Tonight?

Genius.

However, you don’t really belong on my Mumford & Sons Pandora station.

I’ll make a station just for you,

Faryle

Letter to a Stranger 18th Edition

14 Feb

Dear Future Boyfriend,

I need to put something out in the open so there will be no confusion at any point in our yet-to-even-happen relationship.

If you gift me a stuffed animal of any sort on Valentine’s Day, I will most likely laugh in your face and seriously consider our relationship status.

There’s not a “It’s Complicated Because He’s a Terrible Gift Giver” option on Facebook, so we’d probably just have to end it,

Faryle